The interesting thing about only working one job (as opposed to three plus school) is that you find a lot more time to think. And think and think. I have been doing a ton of thinking lately, and it has arguably not all done me any good. I have been really hard on myself (and Jon sometimes, too). It was as though not being incessantly busy and on the brink of exhaustion at all times was taking a mental toll.
“Why aren’t I learning more/doing more/healthier/thinner/smarter/cleaner/perfect in every way!?”
Gah! It’s absurd. And I am sure, all too common. But you know what? Something good has come out of me being so hard on myself (though I’m not going to continue down that road – honest!) and that is being forced to brutally confront my penchant to see the negative side of any situation. Sometimes its funny and I do love a good sarcastic laugh. But more often than not, its just lazy. Yes, lazy. As the years went on and I got stressed and depressed, and my empathy became a burden as opposed to a blessing, I got angry. I know this isn’t news to most of you. But it became my go-to emotion. The default position. Neutral.
The thing is, I’ve always felt that deep down I’m a positive person. Don’t laugh! Its true :). And yet I have always been more comfortable with a joke, an insult or even a barbed comment than I have been with sharing (or finding!) the bright side to any situation. I’ve always admired that find-the-upside quality in other people, while simultaneously finding it sort of obnoxious and unrealistic. I still kinda feel that way. Like, real life isn’t always positive and upbeat you know! But I wanna be more like that. When it comes right down to it, I would prefer to be able to mock myself for my positive outlook in dire times, rather than ever feel the need to come down on myself for being pessimistic or negative. If I’m being really honest, I’m a little afraid I don’t know how to be funny and positive at the same time. I love absurdity and that often shows up in wtf moments and is basically my trademark humour (I can say I have a trademark humour if I want to!). This is gonna be a big change!
An extremely big piece of this for me is the fact that I am getting married. MARRIED. I mean, forever is a helluva long time, am I right?! And have you met my fiance? He is so open and giving and warm. He’s basically the opposite of me and he’s awesome for it. He doesn’t close himself off to people, and he never closes himself off to me. Even when I’m being a dick (which, it might surprise you to learn, I can be pretty regularly 😉 ). And I got to thinking…a lifetime is a long time to be with someone. What kind of person would I want him to be with? I’ll tell you this much – the answer is NOT a negative, pessimistic, bummed out one. I don’t want that for Jon. He deserves so much better than that – and so do I!
This isn’t some lightning bolt moment, but rather a simmering storm of about a year, maybe longer. I have been working on it. I’ve been trying to be better. I’ve had good days and even weeks. And I have improved a lot. But when shit gets tough, I revert to my comfort zone – cranky and negative – faster than you can snap your fingers. And I’d like to be one of those people who can flip that shit on its’ head and have a good laugh. Laughing is super good for your skin, after all, and that’s what’s important here 😉
So in an effort to help myself with this evolution, I’m sharing it with all of you. I need to be held accountable. I’m going to force myself to share one positive thought per day for a year. Or forever. I will tweet it. You can follow me (@cyndmaz), or just check out my tweets when you log on here (see below this post, on the right) if you’re interested. You’ll get the updates, too, if you’re my friend on facebook. I’m not going to clog up the blog with my daily positivities, but I am going to force myself to do it and to share it. I’m also going to minimize the negative posts and give extra thought to what I put out into the world. It’s not gonna be easy, but it’s gonna be awesome.
Anyone wanna do it with me!? I could use the extra motivation and I’d love to be inspired by the great in your daily lives, too!
#dailypositive starts today 🙂